120 funny one-liners that will make you laugh - the next luxury (2023)

When it comes to funny one-liners, few comedians have delivered them as quickly and with as much timing as the late greatRodney Dangerfield. American comics were known for their self-deprecating humor, which often focused on hilarious impressions that left audiences reeling. In short, Dangerfield would have a room full of people laughingjokesabout his life, his silly puns, and his dad's occasional jokes.

Even though it's gone, there are still a few comedians who have carried on the tradition of the one-liner, such as British comedians Jimmy Carr, Milton Jones and Tim Vine. Unfortunately, the one-liner isn't as popular in the US anymore, so we thought it was time to bring it back with this collection of humorous one-liners.

What you'll find below are nuggets of wit and silliness that have the power to make you smile, laugh, and turn a dull moment into an unforgettable one. It's amazing how with just a few well-chosen words you can make your friends and family laugh. Whether it's a classic comedy one-liner or a modern zinger, these one-liners are sure to blow your mind. So get ready to laugh as we dive into the world of hilarious one-liners.

1. Money talks. But all mine says is goodbye.
2. I used to hold on to life, but then it broke.
3. My IQ test results are back. They were negative.
4. I failed math in school so many times I can't even count.
5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem smart until they open their mouths.
6. I went to buy camouflage pants but couldn't find them.
7. My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
8. Did you hear they caught the devil? Yes, they have.
9. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon. And a glass of tequila.
10. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. The wisdom is not to add it to a fruit salad.
11. Life is like a bird. He's cute until he explodes on his head.
12. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
13. When life gives you melons, you can be dyslexic.
14. Don't you hate it when someone answers their own question? I accept.
15. I went to the doctor because of my short term memory problems - the first thing he did was make me pay up front.
16. Scientists have recently discovered a food that significantly reduces sex drive. It's called a wedding cake.
17. I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. It's a bit of a stretch.
18. Before you marry a person, you should first get them to use a computer with a slow internet connection to see who they really are.
19. A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
20. I can't believe I got fired from the diary factory. All I did was take a leave!
21. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take everything literally.
22. Most people are shocked to find out how bad an electrician I am.
23. I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue represent freedom until they flash behind you.
24. A computer once beat me at chess. But in kickboxing it didn't suit me.
25. I never knew what happiness was until I got married - and then it was too late.
26. Have you heard of the guy who had his entire left side cut off? Now is good.
27. Clear consciousness is usually a sign of poor memory.
28. I was addicted to hockey, but then I turned.
29. There is a new restaurant called Karma. There is no menu. You got what you deserved.
30. Some men say they don't wear wedding rings because they cut off traffic. Well, that's the point, right?
31. I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick. He still won't talk to me.
32. It leaves me feeling that when we bury the hatchet, it will mark the exact spot.
33. Have you heard of the shepherd who led his sheep into the city? He got a ticket to shoot a sheep.
34. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. Hit the ceiling.
35. I thought I was indecisive, but I'm not so sure anymore.
36. The easiest way to add insult to injury is when you sign someone else's cast.
37. My therapist says I'm obsessed with revenge. We'll see.
38. At first, I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
39. Have you heard about the guy who got hit in the head with a soda can? He didn't get hurt because it was soft drink.
40. They treat me like a member of the family and I put up with it as much as I can.
41. My first experience of culture shock? Probably when I peed on the electrified fence.
42. I just found out I'm color blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.
43. Did you hear about the fight in the restaurant last night? Four fish were struck.
44. One of the peculiarities of Wall Street is that the broker is the dealer, not the customer.
45. You don't need a parachute to skydive. To skydive, you need a parachutetwice.
46. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they are both left-handed, which is great on one hand, but not right on the other.
47. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they are counting on triplets to get the whole set.
48. I just burned 2000 calories. This is the last time I leave cookies in the oven during my nap.
49. Doesn't money bring happiness? So check it out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
50. At what age should I tell my dog ​​he's adopted?
51. I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he tied them with, but I trip all day.
52. My mother was very surprised when I told her that I was born again. He said he didn't feel anything!
53. Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
54. The injured bird may get the worm, but the other mouse will get the cheese.
55. If you withdraw $2 from an ATM where there is a $2.50 fee, do you owe money to the machine?
56. Birthday cake was invented to distract from aging bones and bald heads.
57. The reason some politicians like to run on their results is to prevent voters from checking them.
58. I told my girlfriend that her eyebrows are too high. She looked surprised.
59. The death of a loved one can be difficult. But sometimes it's the only way to survive a climbing disaster.
60. My boss will fire the employee with the worst position. I have a feeling it might be me.
61. Did you hear about the nurse who got chewed out by the doctor because she was out of gauze?
62. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
63. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but that's still on the list.
64. My wife likes it when I blow on her when she's hot, but honestly...I'm not a fan.
65. Light a man's fire and it will warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
66. I'm not suffering from madness - I'm enjoying every minute.
67. When I first got the universal remote, I thought to myself, "This changes everything."
68. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - it was just collecting dust.
69. Women should not have children after the age of 35. 35 children is really enough.
70. A car is useless in New York, necessary everywhere else. the same with good manners.
71. I thought everything must pass – until I got stuck behind a school bus.
72. Where there is a will, there is a kindred.
73. Did you hear the one about shellfish being accused of promoting their own shellfish interests?
74. If you arrest a mime, should you tell him he has the right to remain silent?
75. I love holding hands at the cinema, which always seems to surprise strangers.
76. There are three kinds of people. Those who can measure and those who cannot.
77. I'm reading a book about antigravity. It cannot be postponed.
78. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
79. Two men enter the bar. You'd think at least one of them would duck.
80. What is the difference between a northern tale and a southern tale? The northern tale begins "Once upon a time..." The southern tale begins "you won't believe it..."
81. Last night my girlfriend complained that I never listened to her…or something.
82. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who do.
83. Whenever I lose my TV remote, I always find it in a remote place.
84. My first job was in an orange juice factory, but I got a canner. I just couldn't concentrate.
85. I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
86. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Like this when youI am doingcriticize them, you are a mile away and in their shoes.
87. If Walmart lowers prices every day, why isn't anything in the store still free?
88. Maybe if we start telling people that their brain is an app, they'll want to use it.
89. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was layered.
90. The worst time to have a heart attack is when you're playing characters.
91. There are two kinds of people at every party: those who want to go home and those who don't. The problem is that they are usually married.
92. I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I got better.
93. Keep Sleep - Press the snooze button.
94. I just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
95. The person who came up with the jokes should get an award without ringing the bell.
96. The baseball goes into the bar and the bartender throws it.
97. One day I was riding a donkey when someone threw a stone at me and I fell. I think I've been stoned.
98. The easiest job in the world has to be a coroner. What's the worst that can happen? If all goes wrong, you might have a pulse.
99. Despite its high cost of living, it remains popular.
100. This is my staircase. I never knew my real ladder.
101. I had an "hourglass" figure, but then the sand shifted.
102. When everything is going your way, you're in the wrong lane.
103. Some cause happiness wherever they are. Others when they go.
104. I just got kicked out of a secret culinary society. I spilled the beans.
105. My father was so drunk when he blew out the birthday cake that he lit the candles.
106. Dull pencils are really pointless.
107. Two Wi-Fi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
108. I feel very proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I made it in 18 months.
109. Don't trust people, they make everything up.
110. One of the cows did not give milk today. It was a breast failure.
111. If you get attacked by a mob of clowns, go to the juggler.
112. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him I don't hire idiots.
113. I asked a computer scientist, "How do I build a motherboard?" and said, "I tell her about my work."
114. My wife and I have been happily married for 20 years. Then we met.
115. I can tell when people judge just by looking at them.
116. Are people born with a photographic memory or does it take time to develop?
117. The perfectionist entered the bar - apparently the bar wasn't set high enough.
118. Last week I went to a seafood disco. I pulled out a clam.
119. The book popped into my head one day. However, only my shelf is to blame.
120. If you don't pay your exorcist, will they take you on?